A little materialism never hurt anybody. If anything, it made them happier.

Monday, June 14, 2010

caught orange-handed: the post where I freely admit that I do not know a blessed thing about self-tanning

I am from the northern nethers of the country. Having said this, it is perfectly normal (note: I did not say "acceptable") to go about your business with skin as white as the snow that coats the ground for an unsettling 5 months out of the year.

But summer is fast approaching, and this year, I flipped Mother Nature the bird and said, "I WILL be tan for the beach this summer. Even if it requires using fake chemical substances to achieve it." And so, I stocked up on tanning lotions and sprays, merrily read the directions, and proceeded to achieve the aforementioned "tan" state of being that I so desperately craved. Now, I never hoped to be orange, I was just looking for a natural glow that my complexion normally does not allow.


Let's just say that I now have so much respect for all of you orange glowworms out there who have the stamina to keep up with the self-tanning lifestyle. IT'S NOT EASY. Truth be told, for the first few days of religiously showering myself in a fine mist of tanning spray, I was glowing like a crisp little onion sizzling happily away in a trough of oil. Life was lovely from the tan point of view! I felt beautiful. I realized my full potential. I SOLVED WORLD PEACE.

But THEN. Bad things began to happen. I had forgotten that, like snakes, our skin peels and flakes and, with it, anything we happen to put on our skin (i.e. TANNING LOTION). UM. After a week, I began to notice odd patches of WHITE skin peeking through the beautiful glowing orange. And in OBVIOUS places. Like, my ARMPITS. And my NECK. And that weird place between your boobs where your bra comes together? YES, THERE TOO.

And so, suddenly, I was no longer a beautiful glowing goddess, I was a patchy leper! Gasp! And it's like, there's no way to scrub the patches off. They're EMBEDDED under your top layer of skin. So I just keep putting more lotion on hoping to cover it up, but somehow that mysteriously just moves the patches around.

Now, I have heard an urban myth THAT NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, that the intelligent tanners of the world use a mysterious SCRUB to remove their tan every few days. IS THIS TRUE???

If it is, I need a scrub. Desperately. If any of you out there are tanning junkies, please, unload your wisdom on me. I completely admit to being amateur and uninformed on this subject.

Peace, love, and tanning scrubs,