A little materialism never hurt anybody. If anything, it made them happier.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

jajajaja jaffa cakes.

My metabolism is all kinds of off today. No wonder. My boss starved me until 4pm. Yes, we went to lunch at four o'clock in the bloody afternoon. I had a delicious sandwich and ate every last crumb, BECAUSE I WAS STARVING.

Anyway. When I got off work at 5, I said to myself, 'Oh, I think I will do a few things around the apartment' (i.e. CLEAN THE PLACE UP. There were overnight oats rhumianting near the sink since I left them there before work, where I was starved all day until 4. Did I mention that? No? Oh.). So I commenced to fold the laundry that I did two days ago and unload the dishwasher, etc. etc., make a candle shrine in front of the front entrance mirror for no reason at all … basically, I fucked around until 6:30 when I said, Oh my, it is half past six. Although I just ate two and a half hours ago, I think I will think seriously about making dinner, since I am probably going out tonight and should really have something in my belly so I do not end up raging drunk after just taking a whiff of someone else's drink.

So I thought seriously about it. Went on Facebook. Made a White Russian. Stood in the kitchen. Went on a hunt for more candles. Ended up in the kitchen again, where I really thought seriously about making dinner.

So I said, Well, I have these leftover hamburger buns, so I shall make a grilled cheese sandwich with cheddar cheese on this here hamburger bun. But this just went wrong. I took a bite of the sandwich and said, No. I will not finish this sandwich.

But, still (not) hungry, I stared at the pantry shelves. And then, I spotted them.

The Jaffa Cakes.

For those of you who have never eaten a Jaffa Cake, what the fuck is wrong with you. No, just kidding. They're a UK/Ireland thing, so I doubt many of you have tried them. It's ok. I understand.

But anyway anyway anyway, Jaffa Cakes are irresistible, so basically as soon as you make eye contact with the Jaffa Cakes, you must consume the Jaffa Cakes so they stop staring at you. So I said, Ok Jaffa Cakes, I will enjoy 3 of you, will that stop you from giving me that terrible look? But they just laughed at me as I took 3 Jaffa Cakes out of the package.

I left the kitchen and consumed the Jaffa Cakes in the living room so I wouldn't be tempted to eat all of them. It didn't work. I made two more trips to the kitchen, consuming 7 Jaffa Cakes en toto. My belly was sticking out and whining about the amount of Jaffa Cakes I had just given it. I was in agreement. I angrily wrapped up the Jaffa Cakes and stuck them back on the shelf, leaving the package open just a wee bit in the hope that they might go stale so I would not have to eat the rest of them.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I was like, But Jaffa Cakes just aren't a meal. And so somehow I ended up with Ben & Jerry's. WHICH IS JUST NOT ME, I do not eat ice cream. Ever. I got it because I am in a futile attempt to repair my bones, so I am eating all the dairy I can!

But for the love of god, Ben, Jerry, and the Jaffa Cakes just ruined my evening. I now feel like I need to go run a bloody marathon, but you know what? I can't. My bones are cracked. Thanks, KARMA.